At the beginning of eighth grade, I walked into Uni-- a place where I didn’t know anyone, and had no idea of what to expect. I grew up in Danville, a completely different place than Uni High. They were both opposite extremes, and I didn’t realize the culture shock that I would experience going to Uni.
The aspect of Uni that personally affected me the most was the different kind of people. Most of the students in Danville weren’t very focused on school. A large majority of them got bad grades, even though the subject matter was pretty easy-- simply because they didn’t try. I was always considered “smart” compared to the other students, and I worked really hard to get good grades. This caused a lot of stress though, because I made myself get all A’s, and I became a perfectionist. It got to the point where I would freak out if I even got a 90 in class.
But I was different than most of the people around me because they didn’t care about their grades. And since I didn’t feel like I fit in, my parents wanted me to apply Uni to be around people more like me, so I applied last minute and didn’t expect to get in.
After going Uni, I had this realization that I was incredibly average. I was surrounded by people who were obsessed over their grades-- way more than I was. There were people who had spent their entire lives preparing to apply to Uni. It wasn’t long until I realized how exceptionally smart everyone was, especially after I struggled a fair amount in math class Subbie year. I had to work really hard to end up with a decent grade, while some people seemed to understand everything and get an A barely trying. The competitive environment at Uni only made things worse. When we would get a test back, everyone would be asking each other what they got on the test, and this only made me compare myself to them even more.
I didn’t feel like I fit in at all at Uni, and at one point I even considered transferring back to my old school. A lot of the time I would feel less than everyone else simply because I didn’t feel as smart as them, or that I didn’t work as hard as them. But after being at Uni for a while, I eventually stopped comparing myself to everyone else.
I realized that I was such a perfectionist because my self worth depended on me being perfect. My perfectionism was driven by this fear of not being good enough, and I finally understood this because I went to Uni. So even though I didn’t feel like I fit in at first, I grew a lot and learned a major lesson-- my self worth does not depend on me being perfect.
I really enjoyed reading this because I can really connect with you. Also, I think the lesson you get to at the end is really important and applies to everyone. I always tell myself that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, so I shouldn't compare myself to someone because I don't know what other things they're struggling in--but to be honest, it gets hard, especially being in an environment where everyone is always comparing themselves to each other.
ReplyDeleteIt's really cool that you shared with story. I know when I came to Uni I felt like I didn't belong because I genuinely struggled with classes and everyone around me thought they were easy. It's weird how this place grows on you and you forget the grade driven environment and start to enjoy the people around you. I'm glad you found peace with yourself and hopefully will inspire others too as well.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to your experience. When I first came to Uni I also feel like I didn't fit in, classes were hard and people seemed well situated in their own social groups. But as time passed I continued to study hard, got caught up in my classes, & found people I genuinely enjoy being around. I think it also helped to realize that a lot of people struggled too, but because of the pressure and competitive environment, could not admit it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you've reached self acceptance and realized that perfectionism does not define your worth!
I'm really glad you're at Uni and that you've become more comfortable during your time here! It can be hard not to compare oneself to others (especially when it seems like everyone else is doing it all the time), but I'm glad you've found a way to resist that trend. And you're exactly right that your self worth does not depend on your being perfect.
ReplyDeleteI've realized it's quite hard to fit in because although Uni is a lab school, I really don't think it's students leave it as passionate as when they come into it. I've found the school's environment tries to mold everyone into the same 9-5, perfect employee that will be forever unknown in the grander scheme of things. Sure Uni students go on to do "great things" or whatever, but we're so suppressed by the atmosphere in the school that we lose sight of what's really important in life.
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